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Write one leaf about going in the wrong direction.

July 6, 2012

Originally posted on the CHERRY AMBITION Tumblr Blog:

writeoneleaf:


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I am approaching my wits end. Those who have been following this blog for awhile now and actually read my personal blog posts know that I’ve struggled with unemployment, finding a decent job and trying to become the happy, independent woman I’ve always desired to be. They know that I was unemployed for a full 2 years after college graduation because I got the wrong degree- a B.A. in Journalism. Not much hiring is happening in the Communications field.

I was on unemployment benefits (which I really didn’t want but had to use to survive financially) for over 2 years- the full 99 weeks that were available then, in fact- and only found work the week after my benefits ran out. And the work I found -retail- was not at all what I wanted, but I had to take that too to survive financially.

After 7 months of making slightly more money but being so miserable in my job that I was becoming more depressed, I finally found work as a medical records assistant. the job was boring, but I’d be making more money than in the retail job, with better benefits and a better chance of becoming completely independent (financial independence, living on my own, etc).

But then that job fell through. I was given 2 weeks to get my speed up- that being after only having worked for 6 weeks with their systems and process, and while they were switching out one of their systems for another. And even though I literally did the best that I could and significantly sped up my work process, they still let me go at the beginning of June.

I applied yet again for unemployment benefits, which I just started getting last week. At least here in Ohio, in order receive those benefits, you have worked at job for at least 6 months and be let go from that job without any real warning and through no fault of your own. The latter was true of my medical records assistant job, but I was only there for 2 months and they did give me warning, and so I’m ineligible for unemployment benefits from them. Thankfully (or so I thought), I had also had to list my former retail employer in order to receive benefits. I was with them for 7 months, but I quit in order to take the medical records assistant job. After having spoken with other people for various reasons within the unemployment benefits department, no one gave any indication that because I left my retail job rather than get let go, I wouldn’t get unemployment benefits.

Well, now that former retail employer doesn’t want to pay the benefits for that exact reason, and so not only will I not receive any benefits if they get their way, but I my have to pay back the benefits I’ve already received, which would basically leave me with no money. No income at all. I have food, gas, a cell phone bill and health insurance to pay for, but won’t be able to if this doesn’t work out. I already message the unemployment benefits department and asked them what, if anything, I can do in this situation. I haven’t lied about my circumstances (it’s illegal to anyway and can get you fines & jail time).

I’m just so fucking frustrated with my life right now. I thought I was finally going to be able to climb out of this hole I’ve been in for years, finally make something of myself, and instead I fall right back where I was so desperately trying not to be.

I see all my other friends’ lives, my former schoolmates & peers lives, and they’re out there living, doing great things and having great jobs. My sister who practices nursing in NYC is always going on vacations to places like Aruba, Las Vegas, and a few years ago, Egypt. My godsister who is in the Army and is on her way to becoming a doctor- she spent a year in Hawaii practicing at ones of their military hospitals. She now lives in DC. I have a friend in Florida who literally just had her 3rd child this week. She’s not yet 30. She loves being a mom, and has a great husband (hard to find today, imo).

And then there’s me. I’m still living at home with my parents in my late 20s, with a mother who doesn’t understand the importance of me wanting to break away from her and be independent. I’m jobless again, all my close friends live hundreds (if not thousands) of miles away from me. Forget dating- on top of me not being attracted to  many guys to begin with, no 20-something guy wants to date a girl living with her parents. Too many negative variables there.

All I do know is stay at home on the computer all day, trying to find ways to make more money. I don’t have friends close by to hang out with. Even if I did, I probably couldn’t afford to hang out with them much, as they’d want to be out all the time either at the movies, a restaurant, or clubbing or whatever. I rarely leave the house except to get food & meds, as I cannot afford to do anything else and need to save on gas. If I ever get any job interviews, I’ll leave the house for that. But, with the exception of my driver’s license, I’m essentially doing the exact same thing I did in my 2 years of unemployment. And I hate it.

When I graduated college, I wanted a steady, decent paying job, my own decent car, my own apartment, to be able to pay off my bills (my biggest being the college loans I still owe on), and some disposable income for a few fun things and savings so I wouldn’t be like my parents, living from paycheck to paycheck. I wanted to have a chance to travel the world, find myself, have fun experience, follow my dreams, etc. I wanted to live a life that I could be proud of, regardless of what anyone else thought about it.

I haven’t really done any of that, outside of figuring out who I really want to be. And I can’t even be that person because it’s dependent upon me being independent, which just can’t be done without money. That’s how the world works.

With my job & financial situation and the current job market, I’m really not sure when or if I’ll find work again. Not having any income would completely compound that situation. I would be doing well to get a retail job if possible, but I know I’ll want to leave it again once I get bored of it and depressed because of it.

I’m headed back in the wrong direction, and despite everything I’m trying to do to avoid hitting rock bottom, it’s not working out. I can’t win. I’m not doing anything significant with my life. This is not living, and it’s pulling me into considering very desperate measures.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 9, 2012 2:58 pm

    Desperate measures? Enlighten me?

    TURN THE WHEEL! TURN THE WHEEL!!!!! LOL.

    • NL permalink*
      July 9, 2012 3:07 pm

      Different steering wheel from most people’s. I believe it’s stuck right now… 😦

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